Russian
Wedding Culture and Traditions
You are probably surprised to find out that a Russian wedding lasts
for 2 days!! (Well, at least. Some weddings last as long as a week,
and this is something to be proud of and remember for years: it
means the couple had enough liquor to go on and on, and enough devoted
friends to stay.)
DAY 1:
The groom and the bride have their family and friends
with them; it means, the groom's company meets at groom's place
and the bride's company meets at bride's place. The groom goes to
pick up the bride for ZAGS, and then they go to the ceremony of
"brakosochetanie" (this is a formal word that is officially
used to name the ceremony when a bride and a groom exchange rings
and put their signatures in the registry). But there is much more
before they are allowed to go!
Traditionally the wedding is ruled by "witnesses".
The best friend of the groom/bride usually acts as his/her "witness".
Those witnesses must prepare a script for the wedding so guests
are entertained all the time. They meet before the wedding a few
times, make posters, write speeches and invent contests.
(As was said before, Russians marry early, usually
when both partners are still at college or university. This tradition
of an entertaining wedding comes from student traditions of making
any event a real life comic script. During Soviet times there was
a communist youth organization called "Komsomol" that
was responsible for communist upbringing of the youth; it's aim
was to develop community spirit in young people, and this organization
did lots of things to make the life of young people real fun. Usually
students worked in "stroyotryad" (temporary organized
group of workers) during summer to make some pocket money and at
the same time having "work experience" - seldom connected
with their future profession, usually in building industry in the
country side; this "third working semester" was mandatory
for all students. Working and spending all spare time together away
from home created a wonderful spirit of community in students. They
arranged lots of performances and competitions between different
groups inside the "stroyotryad" that made their lives
very interesting and fun. Something like a scout camp for adolescents.
During the study time at university people were still
participating in "stroyotryad's" activities - different
public actions, community and charity work, competitions, etc. This
is where traditions of current wedding scripts come from.)
There are of course many "ready to use"
scripts that are doing rounds from one wedding to another, and witnesses
usually review a few to compose their own. A Russian wedding must
be fun, or it is not a wedding. (I have attended a few western weddings
including my own, and compared to Russian ones they are just plain
boring.)
When the groom arrives to fetch the bride he must
have some spare time until the ceremony as he is about to fight
to get the bride. Russians live in blocks, and the higher the bride's
apartment, the more effort the groom has to spend.
There are posters with jokes about family life and
wedding all over the walls on his way up made by the bride's friends.
Each stair-well is a challenge for the groom - he must answer a
question to be allowed to make those few steps up. It's a team work
- bride's friends ask devious questions (sometimes about a bride,
sometimes just difficult enigmas), and the groom must answer with
the help of his friends. For example, he may be shown a few photos
of baby girls and he must say which one is his bride.
If he guessed wrong, he must pay cash to pass this
stair-well. (If the building has a lift it will be usually blocked
by the bride's team; but if the groom manages to find another way
to the bride's apartment than the stairs, it's his right. He can
climb up the wall or climb down from the roof - it would be much
more fun but grooms are seldom that adventurous.) So it can be quite
a tough intellectual task to get to the door of his bride. He can
be also asked to sing, to dance or anything else. But eventually
he will make it of course.
After the groom reaches his bride, they go to ZAGS
for the ceremony of "brakosochetanie". Usually it's only
the closest family and friends who accompany them (also depends
on how many people the wedding train of cars have room for). The
rest of the guests only join at the reception.
The groom and the bride go in the same train but in
different cars. All cars are decorated with ribbons and balloons,
often the bride's car has a doll on the bonnet, or two stylized
golden rings on top of the car (one bigger and one smaller), or
both.
Two crossed golden rings are Russian symbol of marriage
that may be also seen on wedding invitations etc. The ceremony in
ZAGS is similar to what happens at a civil ceremony in the West
- the bride and the groom will be asked if they want to marry each
other, and they must answer "Yes", then they exchange
rings, then they kiss each other, then sign the registry, then the
witnesses sign. The official representative of ZAGS will say a few
words of greetings, and play the official hymn of marriage ceremony
- March of Mendelssohn. The guests who are present give flowers
to the bride, and drink a bottle of Champagne.
Nowadays many couples opt for a marriage in a church
but church marriages in Russia still do not have official status,
and the church requires a civil marriage certificate to arrange
the ceremony for the couple (the couple must be officially married
by ZAGS before the marriage in church). So if the couple plans to
have a church ceremony, they will usually go through the civil ceremony
a few days before the wedding.
The Russian church ceremony is colorful and solemn
but the complete traditional ceremony is very long, and as guests
and the couple have to stand during the ceremony (there are no benches
in Russian churches at all; people must stand during all church
services), faints are not rare. Most couples wisely opt for a shortened
version of the church marriage ceremony.
(The missing part in a Russian marriage ceremony,
both civil and church, compared to the western one is the question
if there is somebody who knows why those two people cannot marry.)
After the marriage ceremony the couple leaves the
guests for a tour around the city sights. Usually it's only the
couple and the witnesses in one car but sometimes it may be two
cars and the closest friends (seldom family: they must take care
of the reception). The couple visits memorials in memory of people
who died in the World War II or Russian Civil War of 1918-1922,
other famous graves or memorials, and lay flowers there. (I think
it's a very nice custom that makes people think and be grateful
for what they have).
After 2-3 hours of the city tour the couple arrives
at the reception. Depending on where it's held there will be more
or less guests; with 30-50 guests for a home reception and 50-100
guests for a restaurant. Having more than 100 guests is not typical;
guests at Russian weddings are usually only family and friends and
not anybody you happen to know. Also traveling is expensive, and
family members from other cities seldom attend weddings (though
usually will attend funerals - strange, isn't it'). Tables for a
wedding are moved together in the form of letters "T"
or "Q', where the couple and witnesses sit on the "top"
(in the case of home reception tables sometimes go through one room
to another). Next to the couple and witnesses sit their parents,
then close family and friends, then the rest of the guests but seats
are not prearranged exactly, people sit where they want.
First thing to start the reception is a toast. The
first toast is of course for the new couple. One of the witnesses
will announce the first toast, and then the parents have their say.
Witnesses will also add some greetings, usually in the form of a
poem, and eventually announce the toast itself: "Za molodykh!"
("For the newlywed!") Here we come close to the most popular
and prominent Russian wedding tradition. For the first toast people
usually drink Champagne, and after the first sip somebody says "Gor'ko!"
("Bitter!"); it means the vine is bitter. All guests together
start to shout "Gor'ko! Gor'ko!" To make the vine sweet,
the newlywed couple must kiss each other. They must stand up and
kiss each other for as long as possible, and all the guests start
counting "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." while they are kissing. If
the couple was not kissing long enough, the guests can insist that
the vine is still bitter, and request another kiss. This happens
after almost every following toast, so the couple has lots of kissing
during the wedding.
The second toast is always for the parents; and after
a witness announced the toast, the bride and the groom have their
say of "Thank you" to both bride's and groom's parents.
(With another "Gor'ko!" and kissing afterwards.)
Then the witnesses continue running the wedding, reading
jokes and poems, and sometimes asking the new couple questions to
make fun of them. Witnesses ask one person or another to say the
next toast, usually in the order how people sit, one by one. The
pause in between the toasts is 5-10 minutes, when people have time
to eat and talk, and then the next guest gets up and says the toast.
Usually when a person says the toast, he gives his gift to the newlywed.
Traditionally money is considered as the best gift,
and is given in an envelope. Some time after the beginning of the
reception when people start to become drunk the witnesses will ask
everybody to give their gifts and one of the witnesses will collect
envelopes from the rest of the guests with a tray. Then the first
part of the reception is over. During this part people only eat
starters and salads but there are usually 10-20 different types
of starters on the table, so no one is hungry (usually vice versa,
after starters people must take a break of 1-2 hours before the
main course to have space for it.)
Then people have time to dance. First dance is opened
by the new couple. After the music starts, there is no exact script
anymore, and witnesses can relax a little. They still occasionally
announce a toast but do not entertain the guests with jokes and
poems; guests by this time are already having lots of fun and are
able to entertain themselves.
Movements become quite hectic; some people go out
"to refresh", and at some moment in this movement the
bride gets... "Stolen"! She disappears, and when the groom
starts looking for her, he is faced with a request for a ransom.
Usually it's his buddies who "steal" the bride. A more
or less short wrangle about the amount, and he can have his new
wife back. But he must watch out - the bride sometimes may be stolen
a few times!
Then there are the bride's friends - they steal the
bride's shoe. The groom must pay ransom for the shoe too - the guests
enjoy watching wrangles. (Sometimes the groom is having so much
fun that he does not notice that his bride has disappeared; and
his buddies have to tell him about it. Some grooms don't seem to
care, and have their first marriage scandal on the day of the wedding
- of course the bride participates in the "stealing".)
The music stops once for the time when the main course
is served, and then the fun continues. There is no tradition of
a wedding cake in Russia though they will probably adopt this western
tradition soon; Russians enjoy rituals. They give a cake at the
end of the reception (which most guests miss dancing and having
fun; there is much more dancing at Russian weddings), but there
is no custom of bride and groom cutting it together.
Often guests leave the wedding in such a condition
that they cannot remember what happened. If this was the case with
the majority of guests, then the wedding was a huge success :-)
The second day the party is held at the place where
the newlyweds are going to live (usually at one of the parents'
place - most young families live with wives or husband's parents
first). It starts in the morning or early afternoon. Guests arrive
with a terrible hangover from yesterday, and the most popular drink
on the second day is beer (switching to stronger liquor later).
Guests are not given knives, spoons or forks (sometimes
no glasses are given either) - they must "buy" things
if they want to eat and drink (actually, they borrow them because
they don't take knives or forks home). Of course one can bring a
knife and fork with him but it's in bad taste - though if you do,
it will only add joy to the event (if you don't mind making a fool
of yourself). The money goes to the newlyweds.
On the second day the couple wears different clothes
but it must be something new bought specially for the occasion -
a nice dress for the bride and shirt and pants for the groom (but
not jeans and a T-shirt!).
The number of guests on the second day is smaller;
actually anyone from day one can attend the party but it's usually
only the closest friends and family that do.
On the second day they cook a bit less food (still
much more than they do for any occasion on the west), the preferred
choice is national cuisine - "borsch" (beetroot soup with
vegetables, potatoes and meat) or "ukha" (soup of fresh
water fish with potatoes and onions) - soups are very popular among
Russians and the best remedy from a hangover. The main course is
often "pelmeni" (similar to ravioli) that can be also
eaten with a broth.
There is no strict structure for the second day reception but it
also includes lots of toasts and "Gor'ko!"
After the meal the bride must "clean" the
floor in the room. The fun part is that guests are allowed to mess
as much as they want while she is cleaning - this is what they are
actively doing, but they only can mess with money - coins or banknotes.
Usually people make a special effort to get lots of change, so the
bride has to work hard. The collected money belongs to the couple,
and some generous guests can significantly contribute to the new
family's budget.
There are may be some other competitions arranged
by witnesses that are aimed to help the new couple financially -
like a lottery with a live chicken as the first prize (of course
guests don't know what it is!); the revenue from sold tickets goes
to the newlyweds. As Russians marry early money from the wedding
(gifts and other ventures) is often the only cash they can start
their married life with.
The atmosphere on the second day of the wedding is
more quiet and relaxed though still cheerful and fun. I believe
guests on a Russian wedding enjoy it much more than the newlywed
couple who are all the time made fools of. The worst fate is the
work of the witnesses who must be there to not let the guests get
bored - there is nothing worse than a boring wedding. It is a great
honor to be a witness but a hard job too! (I've done it once in
my life - so I know!)
As a wedding is supposed to be two days, usually the
first day is Friday with the celebrations continuing on Saturday,
and time for rising from the dead on Sunday. Wedding is an event
where everybody must be drunk, and being sober is simply impolite;
there is also so much excellent food that there is a saying "If
you are going to a wedding, you don't need to eat 3 days before
and 3 days after".
I know many couples decide to have two weddings:
one on the west and another one in Russia; think about it - probably
you should also try this way; it's a lot of FUN!
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